The WAR in Wario
by UnseenStag
Summary: It's a sunshiny day! Wario can't stay out of trouble while Mario and the gang play...Truth or dare?
1. Of bird droppings and missing shoes

Ok, you asked for it! This is just a little story I came up with while sitting here thinking of how cold and dreary is it outside.  Then I wondered what happened to villains on bright, sunny days.  Thinking is a dangerous pastime of mine, so BEWARE…

Disclaimer:  Come on! If I owned the Mario characters I would be on a nice sunny Island somewhere far far away, sipping one of those little drinks with umbrellas in them while relaxing in my indoor pool.  But I don't, so here I am, typing on the computer with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders for pure enjoyment.  I don't own the Sound of Music or any other references to copyrighted things you may find either. Nyah!

The War in Wario 

            The sun was shining brightly in the cloudless sky, while birds chirped happy, joyful songs that were swept along with the gentle breeze, and the hills seemed to be alive with the sound of music. This assured Wario that he was NOT about to have a good day.  The bird outside his window was bound and determined to wake him up with its melodious twittering.  Wario grabbed the radio on his bedside table (which just announced that Mario had saved the Mushroom Kingdom yet AGAIN) and chucked it out the window, missing the blasted bird.  'Of course,' he thought bitterly to himself, 'it's too sunny today; woodland creatures just don't get mashed on sunny days.' 

 He pulled himself out of bed and searched for his shoes.  Naturally, there was only one there.  He had forgotten that it was a sunny day.  Well, If HE had to be miserable, the whole mushroom Kingdom would be miserable!

In all of his scheming, he hadn't been paying attention to where he was going, and Wario now realized that he was stuck in the doorway of his bedroom.  He backed up, turned sideways, and shimmied through.  He cursed the flab from last night's donut and made a mental note to construct double doors in all entryways.   They would look more impressive anyway.

He entered the bathroom and pulled back his lips in a sneer to examine his large and lovely teeth.  Very thankful he had gotten braces before the release of Mario Party 2, Wario remembered all of the hardship he'd had from Mario because of that cursed gap in his front teeth.

Seething with anger, Wario heard the clatter of Parakarry landing on his mailbox.  "Your mail is here, here is your mail!" he said in a singsong voice that could easily get on Wario's nerves on a day like this.  Wario slammed open the door so hard that it banged off the side of the house, alarming several birds that suddenly took flight right over his head.

*Plop* Wario disdainfully lifted his eyes to see bird poo dripping from the brim of his hat.  Parakarry was chuckling so hard that he flipped upside down on the mailbox post, hanging only by his claws, still laughing his beak off.  Wario threw his only lonely shoe at Parakarry, and it hit him in the forehead, dead center. Parakarry sniffed as a large teardrop ran down his feathered face and splattered onto the ground.  He took flight towards the Mushroom Kingdom and was soon nowhere to be seen.

Wario pulled out an odd-looking envelope with his address on the front. He held it cautiously for a moment, wondering whether the contents might be dangerous, or if he should just wait until _tomorrow_ to open it. Finally he decided to just open the letter.  It was printed in beautiful calligraphy, but there were squiggles here and there, as though the pen had wavered when the person writing was trying to suppress laughter. It read:

Goombas are brown, paratroopas are green 

_Bowser is evil, but you're just plain mean!_

There was no signature, but the return address he recognized as the Mario brothers'.  Wario snorted inwardly. The Mario brothers might be brave and heroic, but when it came to playing pranks they were like giddy teenage girls.  No doubt, at this very moment they were both in fits of giggles, arguing over whose turn it was to call Wario and ask him if his refrigerator was running.

The very thought disgusted Wario. He pulled out a pen that he had been keeping most uncomfortably in his back pocket and began to write…

--*Bring!*

Wario looked up from his unfinished poem and ran to get the phone.  Unfortunately he hadn't noticed while he was caught up in writing the poem, Parakarry's tear had mixed with the nearby dirt ad had become a nice puddle of mud, which, naturally, he slipped in.

Aching and now hungry, Wario wiped most of the mud off his purple overalls (which he was sure would be stained) and went to get the phone.  

"Hello?" He demanded

"Is your refrigerator running?" Came a very familiar Italian voice from the phone.

"Of course my refrigerator is running!" replied Wario in his usual gruff voice

"Then you'd better go catch it!"

*Click*

Wario growled.  He had been sure that he'd heard another Italian voice laughing in the background.  Curse the Mario brothers!

***Meanwhile***

Pale-faced and breathless Luigi hung up the phone.  Luigi was afraid of everything, including clowns, and Wario just happened to make his top ten list.  He looked over at Mario and they both burst out laughing.  Luigi then turned back to the rest of the group, where several others like Peach, Daisy, and Toad all sat cross-legged in a circle.  "Ok, it's your turn Peach," said Luigi, "Truth or Dare?"

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Mwahahahaha, my first Wario fanfic!  

You see that little button in down there?  Push the button, yes, push the button and review!  I did write the poem Wario sent Mario, but I didn't put it in. maybe next chapter?  Or maybe me, my pen, and my notebook need to be blasted off the face of the earth?  Flames will be used to set Toad on fire.


	2. Marauder in Pink

The WAR in WARIO He's not a bad guy. Just misunderstood.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. Really, I don't  
  
Thanx to all you reviewers that I'll mention right here.  
  
SeanKingGCN: Wowee thanks! Yeah, I'm planning on adding Waluigi too. Aliceamyrose: aww that's kind of you. Thanks for the good review! D to the G: haha! Peach would go blind! Either that or she would be in serious need of counseling for the next 40 years. Apple Kid: *Gulp!* Sorry! I didn't mean it really! Please tell toad not to call his lawyer!  
  
Author's note: Hello again! Sorry I was so LAZY in my updating, but I DO have some good excuses that you probably don't want to hear. This chapter is a little shorter, because my brain is on overload, but I hope it's not too horrible. Anyway, I have big matters at hand, such as figuring out how to pronounce "anole". You know, those little green lizards you get at the pet shop. (If you DO know, tell me) Ok ok, on with the fic!  
  
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Wario sighed and plopped down on the couch with a great *CREAK*. He leaned his head over the side and saw that the couch sagged so low it touched the purple carpet underneath. Honestly, in this day and age you'd think that people would be making couches out of something other than springs!  
  
Wario reached for the TV remote and the package of half-eaten lifesavers that he kept between the cushions. Flipping channels, he noticed that Monday night wrestling had been.CANCELLED! Not just Monday night wrestling, but the whole channel was off the air! This was maddening and put Wario into a rage. Waiting all week since LAST Monday, and now it's been replaced by Martha Stewart of all things! Wario growled, which made way in his throat for a rogue lifesaver.  
  
Wario choked as his face turned blue. Being the smart guy he was, he hurled himself over a kitchen chair and spat the pesky lifesaver across the room. "Gah! Lifesavers.more like Death Provokers." Muttering darkly, he grabbed the nearest pad of post-it notes and wrote down: Sue lifesaver company for false advertising. Satisfied with this Wario made his way to the fridge, thinking that maybe he would inhale a few plates of leftovers.  
  
He opened his shiny fridge door (which he buffed almost as much as his car) and was utterly disappointed to find nothing except some green slop, which held the shape of the container it had been in. Frantically he searched the cupboards. Even his Glad Bags were gone! But who would commit such a horrible deed? Surely he would waste away before morning with no 24-hour Wal-Mart within driving distance! Wario vaguely thought about fast food, but he found the state of his hamburgers slightly questionable after dark.  
  
Wario threw a bent can of spam across the room as he wondered what kind of person would want him to starve. He narrowed his eyes and snarled. A Mario brother with a prank, that's who. He turned around just in time to see the end of a frilly pink dress whip around the corner into his living room. Wario made a mad dash after the perpetrator, shaking the floor like a rampaging bull.  
  
He saw an open parasol stuck in his doorway and someone on the other side trying to pull it through. Wario laughed and reached for it. Right before he grabbed it, he heard a *snap* and the parasol collapsed back into it's thin carryable shape. The next minute, Wario found it poked threateningly up one of his nostrils. Momentarily paralyzed, he watched his attacker run away.  
  
Wario sighed heavily and decided to take a drive for some fast food after all. He hurried to his garage and hopped into his Wario car. He was halfway out the driveway when he noticed that his leather interior had been replaced with Styrofoam. All of the pranks up to this point had been slightly annoying, but Wario put up with it. Even when his refrigerator was cleaned out he wasn't up for revenge (not that night, anyway). But messing with the Wario car was a serious crime. No one touches the Wario car. It was time to pay the Mushroom Kingdom a little visit.  
  
Ten minutes later Wario was barreling down the road with the occasional polka-dot cap disappearing under his tires with a scream and a small bump. This didn't bother Wario much; his car was still intact. Two minutes later he pulled in front of the only place with the lights still on.  
  
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Princess Peach was recounting the accomplishment of her dare to the rest of the group huddled in the basement. She even had the leather seat cover to prove it. Everyone else was in hysterical laughter. As Peach was choosing the next victim of truth or dare, there was the crash of a door upstairs and a deep growl that echoed around the Entrance Chamber. A huge force blasted the door off its hinges and a very irritated Wario stood in the doorframe, armed with Styrofoam packing pellets.  
  
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A/N: Well, another chapter conjured up from pure boredom and leaf raking insanity! Now all YOU have to do is push the little button down there that says Review! Please? I am looking for good ideas here and suggestions are welcome! 


	3. Revenge with a friend

The WAR in WARIO  
  
A/N: Yet another chapter completed! You must think it takes me YEARS to come up with these chapters, but when I get a spare moment it takes me about 15 minutes. Sorry about the month hold-up. You know the deal, finals and stuff.  
  
Thanks to all of you lovely reviewers!  
  
Aliceamyrose-wow thanks! Hehe I haven't given up yet! Now that school's out it gives me more time to write.  
  
FaerieYoshiInfo-thankies! I know how hard it is to read a fanfic plagued by lots of spelling mistakes, so I try hard! (actually, my spellchecker tries hard for me, hehe)  
  
Miles (Daddy DJ Mix-yup this is where Wario gets his revenge, and with a friend too.thank you for the nice review ^_^  
  
Martrix()-this one's for you! I decided that you were right about Luigi needing his own torturer.  
  
LIZ()-that was an interesting review. I'll take that into consideration.  
  
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To say Wario was angry would be an understatement. He was seething. He was in such a rage that you could practically see steam rising from his ears. The group sitting cross-legged and huddled together on the floor all gave a great jump when a loud crash of thunder above them announced that it was storming  
  
Wario looked up at the sky through one of the high windows. It was indeed storming outside, with raindrops that sounded like bullets banging on the windows. Wario's attitude changed abruptly. Everyone knows that bad guys can't win on warm, sunny days. Everyone also knows that good guys can't win on dark, stormy nights. He smirked evilly, which made the participants of truth-or-dare get to their feet and begin backing away.  
  
Wario set down the Styrofoam packing pellets for a moment and started toward Mario. There was a frightened, high-pitched "Momma Mia!" and everybody scattered. Mario knew he was going to be the first to get pounded, so he ran to the nearest closet.  
  
Wario grasped the metal doorknob and it slipped beneath his hand. Locked. He took out a pocketknife, flicked open his lock pick, and shoved it into the keyhole. A couple fruitless turns told him that Mario was holding the lock in place.  
  
Well, if Mario wanted to be that way, fine. Wario took off his shoes and shuffled around on the carpet in his goomba socks. He noted that the room was now completely deserted. He shuffled back and grabbed the metal doorknob. *ZAP* "MOMMA MIA!" Several phrases unheard-of in Super Mario games issued from the closet as Wario ripped the door off its hinges. He decided that Super Mario needed a Super wedgie. Wario nailed him, by the straps of his overalls, to the ceiling fan.  
  
"One down." thought Wario to himself.  
  
Just at that moment the door behind him burst open. Wario spun around and saw a tall, lanky silhouette standing in the doorway. The guy stepped inside and shook himself off a bit. Wario squinted to get a better look. "It couldn't be." he thought as he smirked broadly.  
  
A cold and soaked Waluigi entered the room. He put on a smug look, as he glanced from Wario to Mario, who was swaying slightly on the ceiling fan. He walked over to Wario, giving the string hanging down from the fan a tug, which made Mario spin around on the fan.  
  
They both had a good evil laugh over this before moving on. "If you were Luigi, where would YOU hide?" Wario wondered out loud.  
  
"Obviously not somewhere too dark and scary, the wuss." Replied Waluigi.  
  
And Luigi might have gotten away with where he was hiding if he hadn't been muttering a "there are no scary things in this dark cupboard" mantra to himself. The cupboard doors opened and they dragged Luigi out. "Funnily enough," commented Waluigi as they tried to drown Luigi in Styrofoam packing pellets, "this is the only Mario brother who has the appropriate letter on his forehead." They both laughed and left Luigi stuffed in the bag of Styrofoam.  
  
Next were the princesses, Peach and Daisy, who they duct taped to the wall. Wario and Waluigi examined their work and high-fived each other for a job well done. They exited through the back and slammed the door so forcefully that Mario crashed down from the ceiling with the fan.  
  
Half an hour later, bruised, dizzy, spitting out Styrofoam packing pellets, and sticky, Mario and the gang sat down in front of the TV. Unfortunately, the weatherman had just announced that the next few days were gonna be dark and rainy.  
  
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A/N: Well, what did ya'z think? Next chapter the bad guys get to do truth or dare (and I need some good suggestions for that) while the good guys suffer through the storm. You'll get to see what happened to Toad too.hehe. Push the little button down there that says review.pretty please? 


	4. Pictures of a Prank

A/N: Hey everyone! I'm finally back! I'll bet you all thought I died, huh? Sorry to keep you all waiting, and I really don't have a good excuse to give for why I haven't posted in—what has it been, almost a year now? I'm just lazy. Hehe.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviews, input is always so encouraging to fanfic writers like me.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize. I would go through and name everything with exactly whom it is copyrighted to, but you probably aren't even reading this anyway, are you???  
  
The WAR in Wario  
  
The fourth installment in the epic story  
  
Wario leaned back in his leather recliner and turned his gaze toward the dark, rain splattered window. Every few seconds lightening lit up the sky, followed by a crash of thunder which seemed to reverberate in his very chest, filling him with a sort of reckless bravery which made him want to do something crazy, something evil.  
  
Wario picked up his purple Nintendo 64 controller from the ground and extended his big toe to turn on Super Mario 64. While using the small white glove on the screen to contort Mario's face into gruesome positions, Wario began to devise his plan. About the time he had twisted Mario's face to look like the swine he was, it hit him. Literally.  
  
A thick book entitled "101 Most-Loved Children's Games" dislodged itself from between his live spriteling bookends and fell open to page 371 in his lap. The spritelings trembled from head to foot as Wario swiveled his chair around to glare at them. One of the spritelings took Wario's glare as an initiative to start talking. "W-Wario, are you using the b-b-B button correctly?" the spriteling stammered, shrinking back under Wario's intensified glare. Wario grabbed the spriteling by its pointy green hat and stuffed it into a nearby cardboard box. He could still hear it mumbling about a Dash Attack as he securely duct-taped the top shut and poked a few air holes in the side with a screwdriver.  
  
Deeply annoyed that he had ever let the spriteling out, Wario made a mental note to drop the box off somewhere out in the woods later. Maybe it would find a home with other happy woodland sprites. Then again, maybe the spriteling would get eaten by a cougar the moment it freed itself from its cardboard prison. Either way, Wario didn't really care.  
  
Wario's eyes wandered back to the book in his lap and grinned as he read the black bold lettering "Truth or Dare?". This was the sort of evil plan he could carry out easily. With some help, of course...  
  
*Back at the Mushroom Kingdom*  
  
Mario cleared his throat and looked bleary-eyed around the castle library. It was almost 11:00, and he couldn't read another page of Fuzzy Breeding for Pleasure and Profit if he'd wanted to. He glanced over at Princess Toadstool, who was immersed in How to Get Your Lover to Wear Something Other Than Tacky Red Overalls, and his eyes rested on Luigi, who seemed content to be flicking through Starring in Your Own Video Game For Dummies. Mario rolled his eyes, but he was thankful that Luigi was at least reading something other than The Little Engine That Could.  
  
Sighing, Mario returned his book to the shelf and bid everyone goodnight. On the way out of the library Mario thought it best to confiscate Toad's tattoo magazine he had been avidly reading, just in case Toad might've come back to the castle one day looking like a lost member of KISS.  
  
Mario began walking down the drafty corridor back to the guest room he usually occupied when he couldn't bring himself to drag his lazy fat ass home. However, Mario didn't hear his stalker creeping down the hall after him. Mario climbed a flight of stairs, yawning. He didn't hear his stalker climb up the carpeted stairs after him, closing in on the gap between them the whole while.  
  
Just as Mario reached from his bedroom door handle, he heard a soft buzzzzzz coming from right behind him. Mario's first thought was "Bumblebee". Mario turned around sharply to smash the sorry bugger, and saw nothing; although he heard a suit of armor crash to the floor on his right, almost as though someone had jumped out of the way of his vision. But Mario chuckled nervously and quickly dismissed the idea, since bumblebees obviously can't knock over suits of armor. He decided the deafening crash must have been his imagination.  
  
Mario made his way in the dark to the soft, comfortable bed. In fact, it was so soft and comfortable Mario flopped down on it quite a few times. He didn't hear his stalker become lodged in his doorway and start cursing Dunkin Donuts over all the noise his bed was making. Finally, Mario hung up his cap on a peg over the bed and closed his eyes. He could hear the soft buzzzzzzz sound again and wondered sleepily whether the bee would fly up his nose and make colonies in there like he had seen on Ripley's Believe It Or Not.  
  
The stalker waited until Mario's soft and steady breathing turned into loud, gargling, window-shattering snores. Wario looked over at the curtains, which were now swaying dangerously toward the bed every time Mario sucked in another death-rattling breath. Wario smirked; at least Mario's snores blocked out any sound his electric razor made...  
  
***  
  
Mario woke up the next morning and stretched his arms to the ceiling. Stuffing his red cap back on to his head, he bounded to the door, smelling breakfast. He had barely made it a step, a skip, and a leap when he realized something was missing. He looked down and saw he was still wearing his blue shirt and tacky red overalls. He lifted a hand to his forehead and found he still had his cap on. Just something about Mario didn't seem...well, Mario. He turned around to check himself out in the mirror. "MOMMA MIA!!!"  
  
Mario screamed loud enough to deafen anyone within a five-mile radius. Two floors below, Princess Peach rushed upstairs to be by his side, while Luigi was thrown into cardiac arrest from the sudden shock. Practically tripping over her dress every step of the way in her haste to get to Mario, the Princess threw open his door and instantly saw what was distressing him.  
  
"Oh Mario, you're clean-shaven!"  
  
*Back at Bowser's Lair*  
  
The dark silhouettes of Wario, Waluigi, Bowser, Birdo, and several other baddies could be seen sitting in chairs with spiked armrests in a dark, cold dungeon, while a few random Koopa kids beat each other up happily in the background. "But I want to see the actual pictures," said Waluigi in his usual cackle. Wario complied and pulled out a few photos which he threw on the table between them so everyone could see. "Dang," said Bowser reverently as he leaned back in his chair. This must have been the best prank ever played on Mario, and Bowser knew even his prank letter inviting Mario to "The Average Joe" paled in comparison.  
  
Wario knew what kind of inner struggle Bowser must be going through. Judging by the way he squirmed restlessly in his chair and clenched and unclenched his fists, he was either angry that someone had finally beaten him at getting the better of Mario, or he needed some Preparation H. Hoping it was the former, Wario decided to give Bowser the chance to redeem himself. He turned to the large, spikey reptile and narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Bowser, truth or dare?"  
  
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A/N: Sooooo, what do ya think? As good as the last chapters, or am I a bit rusty from not writing for so long? Plz review, my sanity and your entertainment depend on it. I'll try and get another chappie up soon if ya'll still like this poor story.  
  
If you have any good pranks you'd love to be seen played on Mario and the gang, tell me! I take my reviews into serious consideration, you know. 


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